For an instant, a single cell of time, which to an other being may be called a second when defined within the dimensions of normality, a heartbeat, the time it takes to diverge from one thought to another insignificant, transient thought, the time it takes for a single tear to fall from a harpsichords eye; for that moment is an eternity of loneliness and so shall be the next, and the next, empty, fallen again and repeated yet with insurmountable time passing back and forth between ticks and i am still here, numb.
I begin to undress and slide the straps over my emaciated bones, which for as much as i endeavor to see them as striking objects of wonderment, to the One inside they are grotesque, narcissistic, barbaric representations of the inadequacy of my true being, for they are a steel cage containing my dying lion. i have chosen their material, their shape refined as a conscious choice, but as i look at my naked torso now, i want to tear them away, let my organs and skin live apart, let the One within satisfy his thirst and need to hear fully, gain knowledge without being stifled by decaying fragments of brittle bone. He does not want to be sculpted or meander from the truth outside, he does not want to have a veil between power and denial, he should not have to claw his way treacherously up and through the intricacies and orifices of my exterior - simply to hear life and for them to hear his scream.
I unbutton my suffocating jeans and with relief they fall (more easily than i had thought) but that is because they have wanted to leave me and escape for a long time now, too long, but my self-obsessive exterior would not allow my realness, my naked flesh reveal itself, for it is an embarrassment, a harsh realisation, which would merely offend another, as it does I - the owner and consumer of the ever-growing flesh. Staring, unable to move my eyes from the sight before me, the reflection of nothing, a true yet obscure concept. I see the lampshade behind me, the decaying wallpaper and the watch laying discarded to the back of the shelf, for i have chosen to exit reality, leave the so-called real-time of time and just look, and try to see the person i know least in the world - me. This is neither a new experience neither is is refreshing, it is definitely the last. I want to forget time but as instinctually as i cannot believe it, my eye has succumbed and my brain is trying to block it out, forming a cement barrier of words, 'Stop, nothing, failure, exit, never, NO'. But yet i am weaker, weak, weaker and i cant help but look at the watch and see the time, a moment has passed and that is all, but a moment to one maybe a day to another and perhaps it has been a day since i began to stare into this mirror but He still hasn't taken his egotistical armory off and joined me and held my hand and told me everything is going to be alright.
So, i take an inch of a tepid step closer, my skull (necessary but unwanted) jars briefly upon the mirror and the mirrors' portrayal of my face mimics me, it scowls, frowns and then laughs hysterically, manically in my face. The sheer audacity of the laughing mirror makes him rise from within my pulsing veins, it chews on my oesophagus and breathing its fire, it rises quicker and faster it intoxicates and burns until i feel its' dragon's claw grasp my tonsils and His waves of vomit throws itself from my vulnerable interior to the masochistic mirrored exterior. My stomach's contents have been released and lay before my dripping, so that now i am looking at an abstract face, it isn't me but when has it ever been? It sickens me but I am not there yet, i am not naked as i still wear my iron mask, a camouflage to the world, a comforting device which i have implemented to protect myself, though it is hypocritical as all i want is to be released from this straight-jacket of make-up, spread thickly upon my rancid skin, its lingering stench of cosmopolitan demain etches and i want it off, OFF. And, i begin rubbing and wiping but it isn't good enough, it bares no significance to Him inside but i don't care, this is for me now and blood is drawn as my nails embed and claw erratically at my now animated face, He is amused. Though, i am still here, i can still see my face and i am writhing. Time has stopped again, now there is no time. I am nearing the end of my journey as the kerosene eats my stomach and purges on the acids, the burning raw flesh, it is beyond control now and He is mocking me, crudely, and i am killing me and as i light the match i take one more look into the mirror, the flickering match burns my fingers nails and as i touch the agonising flame to my shattered limbs; i see myself wholly, properly for the first time. I look different, serene, beautiful and with everlasting relief i know i don't have to try anymore for with one more tick of the watch, i see the One seep out of me like a stained soul and i finally i have found the being within. Another moment need never pass.
